Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
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Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I love art.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
