Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 馃懟
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it鈥檚 going canoeing
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
God: Noah, I鈥檇 like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what鈥檚 wrong?
God: are you sure they aren鈥檛 all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that鈥檚 crazy
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 馃槵
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
The booster protects against what, now?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I鈥檓 going to quit the strongman competition I鈥檓 in. I put in my too weak notice