Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
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Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
I think my mom just blocked me
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
fr
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.