Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
