Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

#NeverForget

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

If a snake ate a cake

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”