Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

He’s dead

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid