Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

found this cool rock hiking today

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

Sunday

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.