Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
scares
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches