Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

School be like

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

i actually laughed 😩

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.