Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
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You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*