Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)