Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
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Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
be safe out there!
This is so me 😂😂
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
