Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.