Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

No, he would not have.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

10/10 no notes

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.