Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.