Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced