Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?