Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.