Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

A Short Story.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.