Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

<—- homeless romantic

Aw man, but that’s the best part

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Once again not all heroes wear capes

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.