[Halloween party]

Him: What are you?

Me: An introvert.

Him: I don’t get it. It just looks like normal clothes.

Me: *already went home*

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Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*


Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.


Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.


I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow


Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout “Everybody be cool!” and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.


If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.


Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own
5yo: Ok
5yo: How do I do that?


1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?