@Darlainky

[Halloween party]

Him: What are you?

Me: An introvert.

Him: I don’t get it. It just looks like normal clothes.

Me: *already went home*

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@sock_holliday

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

@LoveNLunchmeat

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

@Mainstream_Man

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

@charliedelta7

I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

@bridger_w

Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout “Everybody be cool!” and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.

@Social_Mime

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own
5yo: Ok
Me:.
5yo:.
Me:.
5yo: How do I do that?

@daemonic3

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?