I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
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Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*gets down on one knee*
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.