Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

THIS HEADLINE

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone