Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.