Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.