Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.