Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

My love language is deader than Latin

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

🇺🇸🤭

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.