Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

I’d hang this in my house.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.