[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison