Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*