Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
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I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.