Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FNWn__dXoAgN4hq.mp4

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

Squirrels before girls.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

How do dragons blow out candles?

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.