Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*