Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller