ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
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Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…