Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

BaD BoY!!

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

Family Celebrity

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.