“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
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I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual