Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket