hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
