Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
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My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.