Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
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True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh