Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
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taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.