Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
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“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
here we go again
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Finally, an explanation.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
