Hamburger Hinderer.
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I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
You look like you would fail a DNA test