Hamburger Hinderer.
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Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers