Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

#Caturday

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.