Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

Worlds greatest photobomb

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health