Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry