Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

The most accurate map ever devised.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.