I need a chiropractor for my brain.
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe