Hamlet, but starring a pig. We call it: Hamlet. Let me explain

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Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too


me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”


Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now


DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come


GF: I’m sick of communicating via walkie talkies. I think we should breakup
ME: we should breakup what? OVER
GF: its over
ME: its what? OVER


Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.


“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.