Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Hamlet, but starring a pig. We call it: Hamlet. Let me explain
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its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful
ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
GF: I’m sick of communicating via walkie talkies. I think we should breakup
ME: we should breakup what? OVER
GF: its over
ME: its what? OVER
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.