Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

SONOFA

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.