Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

how DARE

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

I’m an avid indoorsman.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.