Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this