HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

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Him: you’re so beautiful. The moment you smiled at me,u had me
Me: that’s really sweet
Me in my head: I have a piece of my poo in my purse


Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*


Worst things about mid 40’s:

1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror.

2. Crying too hard to complete this list.


He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.


I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.


I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’


If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.


Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.