HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.