HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
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This may be my favorite dog video ever.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out