HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
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Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
just gave your address to some spiders
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE