HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
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[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
