Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room