Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

💀💀💀💀

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.