HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
How dramatic are you?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”