Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

wow he looks just like him

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”