[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
This hospital has everything
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.