Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

Sharon I have some bad news

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.