@HereComesCunty

Hamsters are, disappointingly, not made of ham

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@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

@dadthatwrites

My kid says “absolutely” in every sentence. She never just “wears pants.” She’s “absolutely wearing pants.” She’s “absolutely eating cereal.” She “absolutely peed on the couch.”

@kunalkamra88

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

@HashtagAbdul

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

@RidiculousSheri

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

@USMCSDI

Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937

With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch

@QwertyJones3

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

@NicestHippo

Facebook has a link to “Report a Problem” so I wrote “I’m not very close with my father.” Now we wait I guess

@ThisOneSayz

Husband: What are you watching?

Me: *names any show* wanna watch?

Husband: Ugh, no thanks.

*plot twist on show*

Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?