Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.