Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

Mornin. * use accordingly

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

Finally, an explanation.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.