Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

Foot f**ish should just be called feetish

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

We decided to have money instead of children.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not