Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

Lol.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.