Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
The human personality is made of five key elements
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.