*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
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Day 2 of my diet
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
hi why am I like this
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.