Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

That was easy.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

🐿️

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.