*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
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The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
