Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FJDEeNtaMA4tpaJ.mp4

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.