Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh