Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges