Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.