Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
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I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.